||[May. 2nd, 2008|10:24 am]
Whole lotta labia.
One year ago at this moment I was in Cait's living room holding her hand and waiting for the lawyer to show up with the PoA, the Will, and the Living Will so Cait could struggle for what seemed like hours signing them. And one year ago plus 7 hours she slipped away with (let's be honest here) more quiet grace than might be the preferred style of a woman who had a closet full of loud clothes and the ability to trip over a smooth surface.|
When I smile I remember her smiles, all of them. From the "You didn't see that" impish smile to the "OMG BEST DAY EVER" smile she got on roller coasters and very small British staircases and all the smiles in between.
When I sing I remember road trips where we would turn the music up and sing along, especially the trip up to Pittsburgh where we put Bat out of Hell on repeat and sang so loud we were hoarse when we got home.
When I drive I remember her next to me on every highway we ever traveled and I remember how with her sense of direction and my way with maps we could find anything anywhere and once drove straight to our hostel without a street address.
When I get dressed I can hear her say "Oh honey, no. You can't leave camp like that."
When I see the flowers blooming in my yard I think about how it's good to be the Paddy all the time.
Every day. Every single day for the last year I have thought of her and talked to her and every single day of my daughter's life she has heard about how her Aunt Caitlin, wherever she is, loves her so very much. Some of the days I laugh, some of the days I cry. A fair number of the days I do both. She is still my conscience and my resident bad influence. She still tells me to clip my threads, finish my edges, and buy the shiny things.
The last thing I said to her was "I love you." The last thing she said to me was "I know." As much as I thank God every day that I didn't waste that last chance I also pray it was not the last time she would ever hear me talk to her.
I know for a fact it's not the last time I heard her.
oh my god cait i miss you so much it hurts all the time and i just don't know when it will stop hurting so much i can't breathe