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Two nicely brief stories. One sweet, one shitty, because as we… - Then You Get Up And Have Breakfast [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Whole lotta labia.

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[Aug. 23rd, 2004|01:11 pm]
Whole lotta labia.
[how ya feelin'? |calmcalm]

Two nicely brief stories. One sweet, one shitty, because as we learned this year: I am not a very nice person.

First, the shitty, for Caitlin.



Pennsic is staffed with a full-time corps of Security, Registration, Education, and Medical staffs. As well as the odd little bits here and there doing things like bringing me brownies while I was on Troll duty.. anyway.. this is just to say that when I say "Security stopped in" I just mean that the staff was out doing a round to make sure we weren't burning ourselves down, not that we'd gotten the cops called. Although we've done that too. But that's another story. One that involves a drunk guy in a dress singing "She's a BRICK house.." over and over. But we go not there. Anyway.

So I'm standing there in the pub one night with the Wigeon (Mym's daughter) talking about nothing in particular and drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbon with complete and utter shamelessness when I see two golf carts pull up and out come four security guys. I call them Skeezy Old Guy, Skeezy Young Guy, Troll, and Creeeeeepy. They come wandering in and give the traditional (and wildly stupid) Pennsic security greeting "Are you feeling Secure?"

No, dipshit, you're drinking swill beer and riding in a golf cart barely large enough to carry your belly. I feel more secure at home when the barn cat sits on the front porch. But that wasn't what I said. I smiled real big and said "I'm feeling terribly secure, thank you!" Playing a game of "Don't Look Over There, Look at the Cleavage!" goes a long way towards distracting them from the young teenager behind me.

Skeezy Old Guy then leers blatantly at it (the cleavage, that is, not the teenager) while Creeeeepy reaches down and extends his hand, I put my hand in his and he introduces himself as Baron Something of the Somewhere Far Away and then he kisses my hand quite nicely in the air just above my skin. I smiled and said "Thanks for not licking my knuckles." At which point Skeezy Young Guy retracts his recently extended hand and Troll's eyes get real big.

"Haven't you ever seen guys do that?" I ask. "They first make the uncomfortably intense eye contact, then they never break eye contact while bending over your hand, and then THEY LICK YOUR KNUCKLES!!" Skeezy Young Guy says "And that's bad?"

I said "Assume that the traditional garments only allowed you to see a woman's face and hand skin, no other. Assume that you had to translate your wishes for her body into your first impression. Do you really want to pick up a woman's hand and do the rough equivalent of creepy stalking and bad head?" I think SYG just paled slightly and didn't speak.

Creeeeeepy on the other hand decided that I was his soul mate and announced that while they had to leave, get back to making us secure, I'm sure, he got off shift at midnight and he'd be sure to stop by to see me again.

Um.

Ew.

I politely didn't mention that I'd be off disinfecting myself in the meantime and as they walked out the door I hollered "Have fun! And remember, knuckle licking equals bad head!"


Yeah, he didn't come back.
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Comments:
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[User Picture]From: mellyflori
2004-08-23 11:59 am (UTC)
Oh, hey, congrats on your own little knuckle-lickin' over there.. if you know what I mean. Nudge nudge. ;)

(although I bet yours was good head.. just saying)
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[User Picture]From: mellyflori
2004-08-23 12:02 pm (UTC)
In honor of that, the hoo-hoo story should be up before I leave. I think you'll appreciate it. If you weren't a lesbian already, this would tip the scales. ;)
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[User Picture]From: slightlytricky
2004-08-23 10:30 am (UTC)
you're my hero. just sayin.
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[User Picture]From: mellyflori
2004-08-23 11:58 am (UTC)
do I get a cape?
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[User Picture]From: insidian
2004-08-23 10:57 am (UTC)
I have a movie trailer in my head now:

*DRUMS!*In a world controlled by knuckle lickers... *DRUMDRUMDRUM!* there is ONE who will stand up for the rights of those who wish to remain saliva free... *DRUM!*ONE who has no patience for sketchery... *DRUM!* ONE who will use cleavage as a deterrent... *reedy woodwind of wistfulness* ONE... they call her MELLY, and the knuckle lickers run at her name... *inspirational orchestral sweep*
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[User Picture]From: mellyflori
2004-08-23 12:01 pm (UTC)
YAY!!!

See and I didn't even mention the part where I caught Skeezy Younger Guy and Troll staring at the Wigeon and I said "Hey, go get me another beer sweetie, and make sure they know you're not drinking it." Then turned back to the jerks and said "She's thirteen, I don't want to get her in trouble. You know how those THIRTEEN year olds are. Doesn't look THIRTEEEEEEEEN! does she?" And right on cue Troll goes "Thirteen?! Oh man." and takes two big steps back. SYG just kinda shook his head and blinked a lot.

Asshats.
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[User Picture]From: insidian
2004-08-23 12:04 pm (UTC)
Ew.

EWWWWWWW! EWEWEW! Now *I* feel dirty.

Seriously, the asshattery of them is astounding.
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[User Picture]From: wilfulcait
2004-08-23 06:29 pm (UTC)
Drinking a PBR OUT OF A CAN with utter shamelessness.

Also, widgeon has a "D." Just saying is all.
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[User Picture]From: mellyflori
2004-08-23 06:36 pm (UTC)
I brought home a can of PBR. I feel no shame.
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[User Picture]From: begiled
2004-08-23 07:42 pm (UTC)
Do you really want to pick up a woman's hand and do the rough equivalent of creepy stalking and bad head?"

roflmao

as for the underage skeezy perving, i am not surprised. then again, i am from the deep south.


however, the pbr makes me wonder about you.....
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[User Picture]From: mellyflori
2004-08-24 06:36 am (UTC)
I can defend myself on the PBR.. seriously.. you can't charge for alcohol at these events.. not without a valid liquor license and who's going to go to that kind of trouble? So we just call them private parties and folks give the stuff away. Well, when you're running a pub you end up giving away a LOT of beer. So for the first night they always end up getting the really awful stuff and then hoping that the tips are enough to buy something good for the next night. Most times it works, but there's always a bad PBR night in there somewhere.

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[User Picture]From: lalartu
2004-08-27 09:42 am (UTC)
could you add my to the filter for the rest of the stories?

Thanks
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