||[May. 22nd, 2007|10:32 am]
Whole lotta labia.
|[||how ya feelin'?
From the commentary:
Tim Kring: We're about to have the patented Nathan Petrelli shoulder rub.
Writer Guy: They touch. They're Italian! People misconstrue. We've seen the YouTube movies. *points to camera* Don't think we haven't seen the YouTube movies.
Look, people, we cannot be blamed for this. In other news, I need to rewatch it because I didn't love it as much as some of my flist, but I think that may be due to watching it at 5am after ST left for work. Adrian Pasdar's hair is compelling, but not quite as compelling as sleep.
Hiro looking badass? I squeed. I did. I'm not ashamed.
I lied about the dog. There was no bit with a dog. Well, maybe Friday night when I was a royal bitch on the phone, but that's as close as it gets. I felt terrible for ST because I've been really good about mood swings and hormones up until now (paint job excepted, I haven't met anyone who thought I was wrong about that decision) and this one just hit him from out of nowhere. To my credit it was Friday night and I'd had to work until 6:30 instead of the 5 I'd been planning on, I had an hour of grocery and supply shopping, and then a long drive up the turnpike in the dark. I hate doing that drive in the dark, it seems to go on forever. I'm used to doing that ride with Cait, or at least calling her a few times to see where she is and how far off our arrival times are. It was really present in my mind the whole time. Then ST called me to see where I was and he'd already set up the tent, was enjoying himself, and had gotten into some wine.
Logic: I KNOW he was calling because I was running late and because he worries. I KNOW that he was concerned and that he wants to make sure I'm safe and that the baby is safe. That's it. They probably all cracked open a beer and someone said "Where's Rhy?" and he called to find out.
Pregnant brain: So.. let me get this straight I just worked a 14 hour day, did an hour of grocery shopping, and now I'm stuck behind some asshat doing 45mph on the PA Turnpike and ... you called me from the party I haven't gotten to yet to tell me that you're all having fun and you waited until you started doing the drinking I can't do even after I finally get there. Um... I'm gonna go now before I actually say that part out loud.
People, this is what it was like in my head. I knew better but I got snappy and cranky anyway. And I kept apologizing because I KNEW it didn't make any sense. ST was wonderful and put up with me perfectly and I think 30 weeks of being mostly rational (except about the pillows) paid off because I'd earned a little bit of leeway to become a slight cunt.
My only other concession to this is that I've stopped talking to work people as much about it. They seem incapable of not countering with something like "Well wait until..." or "I remember when my baby did that, he was always..." or "It won't be long before she ...." and .. I know it's selfish, but I want to be able to enjoy my pregnancy, my baby, my kid, not spend all this time focusing on someone else's. I feel like they're waiting for my mouth to stop moving so they can talk about themselves, and I appreciate that need but I need to be experiencing this for myself. All babies are different, all kids are different, all pregnancies are different. Someone else's past is not necessarily my future. It would be one thing if the phrasing was "This might happen, it might not" but that's never the case. And it happened like 4 times on Friday so that was stressing me too.
Saturday was gorgeous. The weather was just perfect and I couldn't have asked for a nicer day to sit in the sun and let my hair dry, eat decadent little noshy bits for lunch, and be with those I love. Saturday night was little bits of pissy rain and lots of sitting around telling stories and hanging out. I could maybe have done without the rain, but I certainly enjoyed myself anyway. I racked out hard and got a really good solid night's sleep. Except for the asshole breaking up with his girlfriend... loudly. No, seriously people, LOUDLY. And in case you were curious, we're all fucking women and fucking bitches. All of us. Good to know. Anyway.
Sunday morning was by turns bustling and leisurely but we had cleaned up, packed up, and left behind no trace by 11:15. There was a nice leisurely brunch at the buffet place up the street and then lots of parking lot hugs and I was on my way. With all the potty breaks ST beat me home by about 5 minutes and we were finished unloading not long after. And then? OMG and then.. a long long evening of doing DICK ALL. It was delightful.
Saturday afternoon we took an azalea up to E-17, unerringly found the spot where Caitlin's tent
goes used to go, and then planted the bush right where her chair would sit behind the tent. That was just ... so hard. So so hard. If you'd looked at me and said "How is Cait?" I could have said to you "She passed away, on the 2nd of May." I knew it in my head and in my heart. But to look at that azalea and know that for always now it will be the flowers in that spot and never ever again be her chair? Jesus that was hard. And.. concrete. We all cried, even the big burly guys cried, and the girls had a long leisurely walk back up to camp, the kind of walk we used to have with Cait. To say it all felt so good to do would be odd, but trust me, it felt really good. Gutwrenching and hard and just hideously sad, but I'm so glad it happened.
I miss her.
So, that was my weekend. I felt fantastic, did a lot of walking, helped out in all the ways I could, lots of people got to feel herself kicking, and I'm looking forward to the rest of the camping events. The featherbed made a huge difference (silly, I know). I didn't want to be one of those people whose lives go on hold when they get pregnant and I've been successful in avoiding that.
That's where I am. Feeling great, doctor still giddily pleased, and getting to keep my life. And I miss Caitlin fifty times a day every day. That's the way life goes, people. I'm just along for the ride.
Oh, one last thing, I would like to slap the shit out of whomever got the first two lines of the theme song to "The Great Space Coaster" stuck in my head. Thanks a lot, Random Earworm Giver.