||[Nov. 2nd, 2007|11:17 am]
Whole lotta labia.
Jesus tapdancing christ on a pony this day just sucks so fucking hard and it's not even noon.
It's the six month anniversary of Caitlin's death. Let's not go into all the interpersonal shit surrounding that relationship today, let's just pause and appreciate the sheer shittiness of having to watch my best friend be scared and hurt and then watch her family gather around her, cleaning her and stroking her hair, and then the tangled love and sadness I felt holding her hand as it grew colder and colder.
Steve accidentally left the door open to the freezer downstairs and the 200 plus ounces of frozen breast milk in there is now.. well.. not frozen. And has to be pitched. Two hundred ounces. Think about the times when I pumped that... after nursing her when I could have been holding her sometimes, at night while everyone else was sleeping sometimes, and sometimes in dark depressing little back rooms that are at the other end of the building, up the stairs, and crowded with old files and lumber with nails sticking out. On average I get 4 to 6 ounces if I'm pumping at work and about 2 ounces if I'm pumping after she eats. Imagine the time and effort. Imagine the dedication. Imagine it all thawed out and the now limp bags sagging all over the freezer and draping over the shelves. Imagine what it took to not burst into tears.
I went to pay my cable internet bill this morning (because yes, in addition to everything else it's bill paying day) only to find that the rate I'd been promised in the beginning was apparently a "promotional" rate and as of this month it goes up almost $20. Because that's what I needed on top of higher insurance and a car payment.
Not that I consider a jacked up cable bill to be equivalent to my best friend losing her battle with breast cancer.. but I just didn't need it today.
I'm.. sad. And angry. And very very tired. And now I have to put back in the middle of the night pumping session so that tired thing isn't going anywhere fast.
Hi. I'm not fun today.
Urg, that is a shitty day.
I think Mexican is in order for lunch/dinner: cheese, guac, all the comfort stuff.
200 ounces down the drain.
OMG. the suck has no end really. I'm so sorry, if I could help with this I would. But being the milk producer can be a lonely thing. I know how much fun it is to be the cow producing. If you're keeping up with her, you don't need to put back the night time session. Most of the time I never froze anything because I was supplying for the next day. It will build up slowly. I know how comfortable that extra supply can make you feel. But if she has a bottle or two of formula, really, it's ok. Also you can mix formula and breast milk if you need to. No one tells you that, I had to ask specifically. There's no specific ratio, just use it if you need to make sure she's getting enough to eat. R
Really. Don't loose your sanity about this.
Then, maybe tomorrow, call the cable people and threaten to go off to the dish network, they'll find you a new promotional rate. Apparently you have to do this like once a year. I just did it myself except that our cable bill doubled instead of just jumping $20.
When I saw M's post this morning. Well I cried at my desk. Shit happens, and people can just bite me. It's November, and if Cait was around she'd be in full swing of Nano already, and that makes me sad. Of course sad is an inadequate word. There really no adequate words.
Also, I totally drove in today, so if you're up for a convo, call me. I'd love it. I just hate talking on the phone on the bus, makes me feel like I'm airing out my laundry or something.
love it's face.
Steve's just beating himself up like crazy about the milk. We're stockpiling so that we can take overnight trips. Also, she's going to camp grandma next Pennsic and the commitment is to be breastfeeding for a year so we wanted a week's supply for that.. and it made me feel better about any supply issues if I knew I had enough for the two weeks it would take to get any supply issue turned around. She occasionally gets formula mixed in with her last feeding of the night now for other reasons so we'll keep doing that. But I am going to put the night time pumping back in so that we can be comfortable enough to do the overnight trips we've got planned for the rest of the winter, we're not trying to keep up with her, we're trying to get ahead of her and her demands are about to jump again since she's in the middle of her three month growth spurt.
I called the cable people and they dropped my rate for the next year, it just pissed me off so bad to get that on top of everything else.
I miss her.
I'd like to go home now. *headdesk*
oh honey. I'm just so sorry.
I'm going to get out and walk at my lunch. It's cold, but gorgeous, and I need to go outside.
So you're like up this way this weekend right?
I miss her.
I'd like to go home now. *headdesk*
Alex says you can go home.
nothing to say to make anything better, but i'm thinking of you today. anniversaries are hard.
Thinking of you, hon. I know those kinds of days, and wish you weren't having one.
Great big hugs. You're in my thoughts, dear.
I tried to think of the most harmless thing. Something I loved from my childhood. Something that could never ever possibly destroy us. Mr. Stay Puft!
Well, at least you got the cable people to relent. That's one small victory. :( Sorry babe.