||[Nov. 7th, 2007|12:13 pm]
Whole lotta labia.
As many of you know (and here's a bit of oversharing for those who don't), Steve and I pretty much tripped and fell into fertility. I took out my Nuvaring three days before the wedding, got my period during the wedding (big fun), and haven't had a period since. We got married on the 28th and I was pregnant by the 14th of November. We were very very lucky.
My mother and I were on the phone the other night and she told me that she's been loving the whole grandmother thing but that she was feeling bad. Apparently she'd been on the phone with her cousin, Margaret-Jean (a woman I've always called my aunt) and Marjean said that she was happy for mom, but needed to cut back on the grandkid talk. Some gentle probing and it turns out that my "cousin" Elizabeth (Marjean's daughter, she's a year older than me) and her husband aren't able to have children. They've spent years and a small fortune trying all of the medical options with no luck and since they're not considering adoption they're now finished.
They are, understandably, inconsolable. My aunt is crushed. She and my mother are very close and have always had talks about how great it would be to get the grandkids together and tell them stories about me and my cousin as small children. And now that's unattainable.
She was telling me this while I was changing Chloe's diaper and watching her smile and kick her legs and wave her little fists at me. I cried for them and I cried for how lucky we were, how incredibly easy it was for us. I carried Chloe into see Steve and told him about it. He shared my sadness and I said "I wish I could do this for them. I wish we could just trip into it again for them." I remember being almost embarrassed by how easy it was for us when we were surrounded by people we loved who'd tried for years, some with success, some without, and some still trying. And as much as I know it's not something I could do in reality, I have to wonder if surrogacy helps mitigate that kind of "fertility guilt."
So.. Moms.. under what circumstances would you consider surrogacy? Would you want compensation above and beyond the medical bills? Do you think you'd be able to go through with it? For whom would you do this... just anyone who needed it or just those you love and know? What kind of contact would you want afterwards?
I've been thinking about this myself for the sheer reason that my pregnancy was a complete breeze. SRSLY.
I'm not sure really. But, I drove to work today, so I could call you on the way home today and we could discuss. You know how I think best when I'm talking :)
Also I have a mom on my f-list who is currently being a surrogate. I haven't asked her what her arrangement is, but I could.
Blunt question gets blunt response.
Never, ever never never never ever. Never. Pregnancy, and more specifically, LABOR, is a physically and emotionally overwhelming, draining, painful, and sometimes dangerous experience that I would never ever ever ever go through for someone else's benefit no matter how much or how deeply I love that person. How on earth could I go through that and then let someone else take the baby I just carried for 9 months and went through labor for and watched my eating habits for and avoided alcohol for etc etc etc. Nope. I don't understand how anyone can do it or why anyone would, but I'm not judging - just saying I don't understand it and probably never will.
I do not, never will, never could feel guilty for being able to have the son I have. Most humans are built to breed at least once, and when they can't it's part of the human condition. Adoption is a very viable option that I would encourage more people to investigate. There are SO MANY many many children who need loving parents. My husband is the wonderful result of loving parents who wanted a child and couldn't have one of their own.
As if we mommies didn't go through enough anxiety about whether we're doing right by our children... let's not add the ability to have children in the first place to that list.
The truth is, I hated being pregnant. I love being a mom, but being pregnant was total ass. I'd do it again for my sister (turned out to be unnecessary) or for my moo, and for a handful of other people I really really love, but I doubt I'd enjoy it much. On the other hand, they say every pregnancy is different; it might be a piece of cake a second time around.
It hasn't been something we've had to think a lot about, although twice we've talked with girl/girl couple friends of ours about hubby donating sperm in order that they could have kids. The first time nothing came of it, and the second couple we're still talking with about it.
I love being a mom; it's the best thing that ever happened to me, and hubby and I were lucky, too. In fact, I was on birth control when I got pregnant with my kidlet, so we were double lucky. But I'd have to be pretty damned close to someone to bear a child for them, selfish as that sounds.
Hi Mellies. I think you should post more pictures of the baby. =D