heee. and yeah. there are days where my skin feels like its too tight or itchy because she's not here to tell me what I should be doing so as not to waste my seconds. because she's not here making me fill every minute full of beauty and silly stories and sillier songs. because she's not here.

you are so lucky you got so much time and so many memories, Melly. and I can't even imagine how big a hole there is because of it.

Chloe will grow up with stories of a mythological superwoman named PaddyCait. and the woman we knew and loved will not even seem real when we tell chloe about her. how could she have been real? how could anyone that wonderful and wonderous been real?

heh...

and how "its a nice day for it" was a codeword. :)

Seriously, she would just sit there and her eyes would get big and she would say, perfectly calmly, "Well, it's nice weather for it," and it would be all I could do not to whip my head around and look.

heeheee. :)

I love you. Then there was that time she ran through the 'stop' sign and mentioned that it didn't say 'stop paddy'.

Remember how she used to run all the stopsigns and one-way signs at Coopers and then give that big innocent look and say "My persona can't read."

I remember many times she "couldn't read" when it was convenient :)

I was just thinking about that the other day, the sign didn't say "Stop Cait"


sigh... tonight i go to yet another cancer related funeral, i have known her since i was a kid and she was diagnosed the month cait passed and she died the sunday before christmas. it makes one grateful that our time was not cut the the limit that it could have been. There never is enough, I am just happy for what I got.

She once got so drunk out a at a dance club in DC that she threw up in her clutch purse while waiting for the Metro.

Holy cow.

I wish I had known her better. I loved what I knew, that's for sure.

""It has taken me over eight months and may take me a while longer because of that same reason. The longer the story goes untold the longer I can imagine there might be a way to undo it.""

facing this sort of pain gives me the image of a small child creeping downstairs when they are supposed to long ago been asleep and walks into a room of grownups with their eyes shut tight - if i can't see them, they can't see me.
You are dealing with it everyday, even if you don't know it. Waking up every day with the stories and the images in your head is how you cope, thinking of her, crying about it, screaming alone in the car, or laughing till you pee thinking about drunk calling me from Va Beach with you two fighting over who got who drunk.
She would be very very very proud of you sugar. The way you took that pregnancy by the balls and rocked it out. The way you stood strong and helped her down such a hard road. The way you have not given up though without her is seems like the easiest way.

I love you & I promise, the days get easier as they go on.

I don't really have any words here, except maybe to quote the velveteen rabbit at you again, but well. That you already know. I love you so much. I think you know that, too, but I'm not going to stop saying it.

i like this idea:

FACTS:

3) she HATED spiders. I used to "remove" them from her tent for her.
4) she thought all florescent colored clothes matched. wow.
5) she was brave as hell.
6) she sang as she did things, little nonsensical songs that involved what she was doing (many have heard these)
7) her X-Man power was the ability to bend metal (2 separate metal car part incidents that go with this power)
8) she had the roughest feet on the planet - hated shoes
9) she learned new types of art to perfection - taught them to others - then would never do it again

now, who's next?

I think it's time for me to start talking in my journal, so there will be some stuff there :-) In fact I will probably steal this list iffin's you don't mind :)

:)

I still can't talk about Gauss.