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I have.. some things. Yes, I have some things in the works for the… - Then You Get Up And Have Breakfast [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Whole lotta labia.

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[Jan. 3rd, 2008|10:26 am]
Whole lotta labia.
I have.. some things. Yes, I have some things in the works for the next few days. I just need work to settle for a few minutes so I can get them finished. Among them:

a) A fic. Yes. Some writing. It's silly but happy and I think we could all do with a dose of silly and happy these days.

b) An update on the girl. She is, as always, wonderful. She loves her family and her first Christmas is happily behind us and I'm glad of the year to recover.

c) An entry about Cait. Pam Houston, one of my favorite writers, lost her best friend to cancer as well. In her thinly veiled autobiographical novel "Waltzing the Cat" the protagonist, Lucy, talks about how it took her forever to discuss with her therapist the moment when she heard about the death. Her therapist asks why it took so long to get to the topic and Lucy says that she knew that when she said it it would always be like that. When you tell a story, in word or in print, you lock it in a way. You seal it and make it so and it is nearly impossible to undo it.

It has taken me over eight months and may take me a while longer because of that same reason. The longer the story goes untold the longer I can imagine there might be a way to undo it. But it has been eight months. My daughter grows older every day and becomes more and more aware of the world, a world which no longer holds the most amazing person I ever met. She inches closer to knowing my words and by the time she can ask about her Aunt Caitlin I want to be able to tell her everything. Even if it still hurts all day, every day.

So many of you met her and remember her. Some of you even met and remember her from before the cancer. And so you know the most amazing truth there is, she never changed. I've been thinking about that recently, at the end she seemed so kind, so wise, so funny, so irreverent and generous. She was always that. Always. From the moment I first met her it was like she was gunning the engine and racing towards being the kind of old lady you all want to be. But she wasn't waiting for the old lady part to come first. The cancer didn't make her braver or more adventurous or even more introspective, it didn't even make her nicer or more patient, if anything I got to watch her as every day she became more satisfied with the choices she'd already made. She wasted very little time in her life. Cait and I used to joke that the purpose of our lives was to serve as a warning to others.. I think for her that might have been a little true, but not quite how we'd orginally joked. Never waste a second. There are a lot of stories I need to be ready to tell when Chloe starts to listen.

I think I might warm up a bit with some little known facts about her that still make me smile:

1) She read a lot. And she was terribly clumsy sometimes. She was convinced she was going to die by walking in front of a bus while reading.
2) She once got so drunk out a at a dance club in DC that she threw up in her clutch purse while waiting for the Metro.

Hi.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: bittibuddha
2008-01-03 03:35 pm (UTC)
heee. and yeah. there are days where my skin feels like its too tight or itchy because she's not here to tell me what I should be doing so as not to waste my seconds. because she's not here making me fill every minute full of beauty and silly stories and sillier songs. because she's not here.

you are so lucky you got so much time and so many memories, Melly. and I can't even imagine how big a hole there is because of it.

Chloe will grow up with stories of a mythological superwoman named PaddyCait. and the woman we knew and loved will not even seem real when we tell chloe about her. how could she have been real? how could anyone that wonderful and wonderous been real?
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[User Picture]From: bittibuddha
2008-01-03 03:46 pm (UTC)
heh...

and how "its a nice day for it" was a codeword. :)
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[User Picture]From: mellyflori
2008-01-03 04:06 pm (UTC)
Seriously, she would just sit there and her eyes would get big and she would say, perfectly calmly, "Well, it's nice weather for it," and it would be all I could do not to whip my head around and look.
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[User Picture]From: bittibuddha
2008-01-03 04:07 pm (UTC)
heeheee. :)
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[User Picture]From: make_your_move
2008-01-03 03:48 pm (UTC)
I love you. Then there was that time she ran through the 'stop' sign and mentioned that it didn't say 'stop paddy'.

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[User Picture]From: mellyflori
2008-01-03 04:06 pm (UTC)
Remember how she used to run all the stopsigns and one-way signs at Coopers and then give that big innocent look and say "My persona can't read."

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[User Picture]From: make_your_move
2008-01-03 04:29 pm (UTC)
I remember many times she "couldn't read" when it was convenient :)
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[User Picture]From: alex_wench
2008-01-03 07:37 pm (UTC)
I was just thinking about that the other day, the sign didn't say "Stop Cait"


sigh... tonight i go to yet another cancer related funeral, i have known her since i was a kid and she was diagnosed the month cait passed and she died the sunday before christmas. it makes one grateful that our time was not cut the the limit that it could have been. There never is enough, I am just happy for what I got.
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From: starfishchick
2008-01-03 05:08 pm (UTC)
She once got so drunk out a at a dance club in DC that she threw up in her clutch purse while waiting for the Metro.

Holy cow.

I wish I had known her better. I loved what I knew, that's for sure.
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[User Picture]From: alex_wench
2008-01-03 07:54 pm (UTC)
""It has taken me over eight months and may take me a while longer because of that same reason. The longer the story goes untold the longer I can imagine there might be a way to undo it.""

facing this sort of pain gives me the image of a small child creeping downstairs when they are supposed to long ago been asleep and walks into a room of grownups with their eyes shut tight - if i can't see them, they can't see me.
You are dealing with it everyday, even if you don't know it. Waking up every day with the stories and the images in your head is how you cope, thinking of her, crying about it, screaming alone in the car, or laughing till you pee thinking about drunk calling me from Va Beach with you two fighting over who got who drunk.
She would be very very very proud of you sugar. The way you took that pregnancy by the balls and rocked it out. The way you stood strong and helped her down such a hard road. The way you have not given up though without her is seems like the easiest way.

I love you & I promise, the days get easier as they go on.
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[User Picture]From: ipso__facto
2008-01-03 08:44 pm (UTC)
I don't really have any words here, except maybe to quote the velveteen rabbit at you again, but well. That you already know. I love you so much. I think you know that, too, but I'm not going to stop saying it.
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[User Picture]From: alex_wench
2008-01-03 09:44 pm (UTC)
i like this idea:

FACTS:

3) she HATED spiders. I used to "remove" them from her tent for her.
4) she thought all florescent colored clothes matched. wow.
5) she was brave as hell.
6) she sang as she did things, little nonsensical songs that involved what she was doing (many have heard these)
7) her X-Man power was the ability to bend metal (2 separate metal car part incidents that go with this power)
8) she had the roughest feet on the planet - hated shoes
9) she learned new types of art to perfection - taught them to others - then would never do it again

now, who's next?
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[User Picture]From: make_your_move
2008-01-04 03:35 pm (UTC)
I think it's time for me to start talking in my journal, so there will be some stuff there :-) In fact I will probably steal this list iffin's you don't mind :)
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[User Picture]From: alex_wench
2008-01-04 05:56 pm (UTC)
:)
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[User Picture]From: eklectick
2008-01-04 06:21 pm (UTC)
I still can't talk about Gauss.
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